A few years ago I was in the parking lot at Trader Joe’s and a mom came up to me and asked “How do you do it? How do you go through this tough life with so much exuberance and joy?” To which I responded “I dunno, I guess I get a good amount of sleep and have a good life balance?”
I walked away from that opportunity marking it as a significant evangelical failure in my life. It was so important that I often think back to that moment when I am presented with similar opportunities. This woman earnestly wanted to know what was different about my life and she saw something that was shining through. I failed her and I failed my Jesus. I essentially denied Him like Peter and, in the face of a non-accusing, potentially non-judgmental woman, I denied the source of my strength, my joy, my hope, my purpose in life. What did I count as my source of good strength? Sleep. SMH. Life Balance. SMH.
The rooster didn’t even have to crow for me to mourn over that denial. Since then, I know my Jesus has forgiven me when I asked, but He has also reminded me that I’m not alone in my testimony and I can call on Him and the Holy Spirit to give me the words to say.
I was in the checkout line at the grocery store just a few days ago, the store unusually empty for the time of day. I was grabbing a few things - not even enough to fill a bag. A man that I see every few years or so was in line behind me, the husband of my brother’s kindergarten teacher. Considering my brother is in his mid thirties now, we can all just imagine the age of this man. Not too old, but more than a generation ahead of ours. I don’t know this man well, but what I do know about him I love: Mr. and Mrs. Hernandez walk around the west end of the island together all the time, probably daily. They smile and talk, they go to church together and their front yard is immaculately kept. They always greet me and my family members with smiles and joy. I don’t know them well, but they are delightful neighbors to run into now and again.
Anyways, there I am at the grocery store and Mr. Hernandez is there in line behind me. No one behind him. An almost-empty store. I recognize him and he says “Hi Ashley” to which I smile and return a cheerful greeting.
“I’m sorry your trip was cut short.” He says looking downcast and almost embarrassed.
“Oh yes,” I begin. “Do you know why we came back early?”
“Yes.” He said softly. “It’s all over the news. I’m so sorry.”
Part of me was so touched and blessed by his sympathy in knowing and trying to be sensitive to my situation. Another part of me felt the temptation to fall down into a well of despair and cry in front of him. I don’t think this reaction would have surprised either of us. Our situation with being called back to Alameda before the end of the year is not what we thought God’s plan was. Our circumstances have the potential of looking very hopeless from certain angles. But we know that God knows what His plan for us is. It’s hard to admit, while we strive to love and trust God with our everything, we by no means proclaim that we are always given the details of His plans for us. We are given a light to our path and promises of His infallible faithfulness and goodness, but so many details are mysteriously hidden to us for His purposes, our protection and His glory.
After the clerk finished ringing me up I could not stop the Holy Spirit pouring out the joy from my life. I said “Yeah, it’s hard, but we have such good and perfect promises to put our hope in. We have an imperishable Kingdom to be excited about. We have such a good God who has been taking care of every single one of our needs.”
We finished the conversation with some small talk and I asked him to give my love to his wife.
I walked out of the store and I felt like I imagine Peter must have felt every time he proclaimed Christ, post redemption of his triple-denial fiasco. I felt the joy of the Holy Spirit overflowing in me and overcoming the doubt and fears of the circumstances of the present. I felt strong in my faith because I had placed it in the right person. I heard the Holy Spirit call to mind 1 Peter 3:15 and say, “This. This was a good application for you today.”
...but set Christ apart as Lord in your hearts, always ready to make a defense to anyone who asks you for an accounting concerning the hope that is in you. - 1 Peter 3:15 (ESV)
So if you see me around town or pray for us from another part of the world, know that we have by no means lost hope. We are seeing the goodness of God. We are seeing the brokenness of our society, our planet, our culture, our families and our churches, but we have a solid foundation in Christ. We are quite literally poster children of the brokenness of our own lives and the world we live in, yet we hope that we are also children that point to the goodness of Our Father and how he has always and will always faithfully care for our souls.
God has taken care of our needs and finished His work of redemption for our souls on the cross, but He didn’t finish blessing us there. He’s still giving hope to the brokenhearted. He’s still providing for the needs of His people. We have been living out of suitcases since we left South Africa and have stayed in more than 10 places since departing our home there. We have been praying for the kids to get into schools (which they all were finally accepted into this last week: yay!). We have been experiencing hospitality and generosity from friends and family all over the country as we have moved home.
Our family was helping another family move from one motel to another this past week and yesterday my kids asked, “Why are they moving from one place to another? Why don’t they just stay where they are?” To which I responded, “They’re homeless and don’t have a place to call home right now. Sort of like we’ve been for a little bit while we wait for our place to be ready. They are also looking for a home to stay in longer.”
“Yeah but mommy, our friends let us borrow their houses while they were away so it’s different.”
“It is and it isn’t. We’re living out of suitcases being reminded of God’s power and provision in extra tangible and visible ways. We are both more aware of the blessings of today and forced to let go of the worries of tomorrow that we will never control.” God is bringing us through this experience so that we can have a glimpse of the hardships and challenges of not being rooted in one place for a long time. Our difficulties do not compare with the challenges that many of our brothers and sisters share around the world or even in our own backyards. We have friends and family to share the concept of home with, and ultimately we are cared for by the same Shepherd. We are loved by the same God. We are provided the miracles of food for our bellies, roofs over our heads and The Word to satisfy our souls. We are blessed beyond all measure.
He is our joy and our strength. He puts a new song in our mouths. A song of praise to raise to our God.
Extra blessings:
The kids are all enrolled at the same school!
We are so crazy grateful to everyone who has hosted us for dinner, helped watch out kiddos, helped sand and paint, let us borrow houses, tools, and bins! We pray God’s rich blessings to pour out upon you in return for your generosity to us as we transition back here.
We moved into a house last week on the same lot as my brother and his wife just a few blocks away from my sister’s house.
Our old car was given back to us with all the stickers on it! Yay!
I’ve started rollerblading again and it makes me so happy!
We are so so happy to be back at our church home.
I miss South Africa and pray for my brothers and sisters there and in Eswatini.
Sweet side detail: the mom of the family next door to where we will be living was my best friend in Elementary School. She has kids too and I just feel so spoiled to get to have them as neighbors!
Once again, such a beautiful post to see the perspective you have been given & chosen to have....and the grace & peace in which you have been navigating these current circumstances hour by hour, day by day. Love you guys, and holding you close.... XOXOX, Katie
It is not easy to keep our eyes on Jesus and point others to Him when given the opportunity. It is a discipline that must be worked on constantly. You are all so loved and cherished for who you are and how hard you work to love Jesus well. Keep doing the hard work, it is always worth it.